I’ve been listening to Caroline Myss’s CD Entering the Castle for the past couple of weeks on my drive to work and home. My reason being that I wish to take deep into myself the practices that keep me humble in spirit and mind, close to my Gods, and for this time while I am still in a point of stasis, a sense of quietude that allows me to rest while the unseen changes are taking place within my soul for my next phase of life.
There is something that Caroline emphasizes that it does me good to remember. She must get a whole lot of these people in her workshops, because she gets so very FORCEFUL on this point! Caroline talks about people who hold on to and feed upon their “woundedness,” which from my experience ranges the entire gamut of “Look what so-and-so did to me!” to “My parents were so awful!” and “I was raped!” While I consider it may be positive to understand awful things that happened to us strictly within the perspective of those behavior patterns we have formed around them and that helped us to survive, I have also learned that holding on to patterns of anger, resentment, grudges, grievances, envy and jealousy, et cetera, are destructive to my personal happiness and well being. Some of our negative patterns we turn on ourselves, infesting the very cells of our bodies with illnesses that we could avoid if our bodies weren’t so very suggestible!
I personally wasted -WASTED!- many years of my life on such negative emotional fuckery, which only served to wreck relationships and a marriage. None of it made me feel good at all. I wanted to be right, even when I was wrong, and I had too much pride to admit it. The cure was to finally see myself as I am, face my own resentments and step into my recurring fears of abandonment. This I did each time they came up, and gradually my negative emotions that were based upon fear dissolved and I became able to live my life with more clarity. I became more able to acknowledge when I was wrong, to apologize and save those friendships that really mattered to me. I shortened a lot of pencils journaling my way to self-understanding, and I became for the first time in my life truly able to EXPERIENCE Jesus’s great instruction on forgiveness. It took a lot of work!
When I see friends or other people going through their litany of “woundedness,” growing angry at the things they feel others have done to them, I have spoken to the process of forgiveness. Usually in the heat of their anger, they will snap at me, justifying their rage with some statement, “But look at what they did to me!” It is hard for me to witness their process because now that I know the emotional and mental liberation that follows from the act of forgiveness, I want to share it with the world. But it is also hard to bear their anger turned on me because they are not ready. Maybe I have had to learn and accept that not everyone is ready yet, in order to approach this topic through my own compassion. So I speak now when I feel it might be received, and I offer prayer in silence when I do not perceive it will be received. Maybe this is a form of chickening out from confrontation, but this is the place I am at in my own spirit, where Love comes in from a quiet place and not angry confrontation.
I think when we start to take a realistic look at ourselves by going within, we start to see that we are beings of both light and darkness. I have learned more from my own shadows than I have from my own light. I have stepped into fear. I have stepped into loss. I have stepped into the pain I caused someone else, and felt the darts in my own soul. I have felt the tears of separation from someone I love when death claimed them. And I have experienced the kindest grace when I am forgiven of my own shit behavior and embraced in the love of the divine. So I will continue this practice, for as long as I live, for as long as it takes.