I realized that it is almost three months since my husband passed. Some days are better than others. The grief is calming, and good memories are entering into my headspace with humor and remembered laughter. That is not to say there is no grief, but I observe in myself that it is not as paralyzing as it once was. For a couple of months I had to put his photos away, as the reminder was almost unbearable, but they are back up on the wall now where he can gaze at me timelessly with love in his eyes.
My husband was a complex man. We met when I was leading a Reiki share locally, and he was presenting his method of hands on healing at the Catskill Mountain Foundation. He had returned to New York state from California upon retirement in order to be closer to his brother and have access to one of his favorite sports, skiing. We lived near Hunter Mountain. Alan was able, for a short time, to be in the Over 70 Club. That is, until he disappointingly tore his meniscus.
Alan’s complexity made him interesting. There was little he didn’t know something about. He’d done various things with his life – artist, Wall Street financial consultant, healer, psychologist, and pursued various spiritual interests. What I miss most about him was his balanced mind. I cannot say truthfully that he was always balanced, but again, that made him interesting.
I suppose we leave some kind of legacy to those who know us when we pass on. Because of Alan I am better able to meet the day to day needs of life in situations that used to cause me anxiety. Because of Alan I am a better cook and more hedonistic than I used to be. Because of Alan I have learned simpler ways to solve problems than my customary way of throwing the full intensity of my thought process behind finding a solution. But I also recognize an emptiness in my days that was not here when Alan was alive to fulfill my need for a presence to care for, so I have decided to get a new dog. Our old dog is with Alan now. This new one I have been promised by two psychics is the soul of a pet I have had twice before. It is good knowing that I am surrounded by loving beings.
Because of the work I do (spiritual psychic), Alan is never far away. I believe that when we think of our loved ones on the “Other Side,” they are simply a thought away from our hearts and our minds. If so, he has learned to be silent in ways that I used to feel criticized, but when I am reaching for something higher in my capacity to do something or connect with the divine, it seems that I can feel the familiar flavor of Alan’s understanding. And that is nice to have.